My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
This is a sub tweet
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?