The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
58.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert