Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
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ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.