Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating