What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Great game to play with friends
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
How high do the levels go?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil