*me flirting
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Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My nickname in high school was “who?”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.