Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now