“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
The Weeknd is back
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone