“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
courtroom exchange of the day
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween