At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
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centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR