Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.