The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”