Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*