Here’s a meme
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My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.