[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
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joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?