Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.