Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets