Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Sheep
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
lol
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
😏😏😏