In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
If looks could kill
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.