Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
At least try to make it slightly believable
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon