Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
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“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.