I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
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*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Sounds like a bargain
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.