Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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Midwest trash talk
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter