“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
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[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Ion see the issue
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Generation gap…
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese