“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
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Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all