I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
You Might Also Like
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.