*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
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The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.