[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
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Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”