This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
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March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?