date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
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I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.