*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
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The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Finally!
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
so i’m at the stock market right
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.