Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
quarantine day 3
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️