4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
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[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated