My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
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Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
where the womens at?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call