Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

oh you wanna fight?!

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.