Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
You Might Also Like
I’m sure it’s fine.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.