Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
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*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
*jazz hands*
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.