What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.