Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
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do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.