Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Unexpected Judgment
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.