when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Well, that didn’t work.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?