Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.