The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
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Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
😜
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly