You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
fair