“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
You Might Also Like
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.