4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!