ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
The Struggle
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Taking phone security to the next level.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.