My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You Might Also Like
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket