Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice