FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
For those that worship cheese..
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!